you cant

rely on anyone but yourself in this world. Sure it's a hard pill to swallow, but in all honesty if there's a sure fire way for anything to happen, you gotta step up and do it yourself, be by yourself. I don't know what's with me. Maybe school is actually getting more difficult, or maybe I've lost my focus, and touch. I know in the big picture, me worrying so much about this math test really wont do much. By failing one math test, I won't not get into university, or graduate high school, I mean, I am in only the tenth grade. I have dozens of math tests to go through still in my life. But even though this one test won't make a huge difference in my life, I mean, in a week or so I'll have forgotten it by then and moved on to other things, it still makes me realize how much I've changed this passed school year. I hate it. My so called ability in academics is all I have. I feel like Rachel Berry when she loses her voice. That's all I'm good at, and if I am not good at school anymore, then what does that make me? I know this whole little pickle, is all my fault, everything always is. But, I don't know why I let myself get here. This isn't me. Which brings me back to the start of this rant. If I cannot even rely on myself anymore, that what's going to happen with me. I need a reality check, and maybe some ADD pills. You can't rely on anyone but yourself, a lesson I learned the hard way.

now

i really don't know what im doing.

sometimes

i dont know what i am doing anymore.

you got me - colbie caillat

definitely weren't ready for these...
hahah la photo cabine is so fun.

you, you da best

my heart stops

every time I hear that phone click at the wrong time.

I hope you know how much you can break me, just by

hanging up before I say 'i love you' gives me shivers.

I know its foolish and stupid, but I have really given

my all in this. Stop over thinking and have some faith me

then maybe together we can gain faith in us.

lalalalalala :)

love is all you need

The Beatles definitely had it right, all you need is love.
Why do we do anything in life? From taking a walk in the park to cleaning dirty diapers, love really makes the world go round. Everyone in the world is looking for love. Love in religion, sex, drugs, friends, tv's, computers, anything and everything. Love generates happiness, which in turn generates the meaning of life. There's a reason why six year old girls grow up searching for a Prince Charming and why it's always embedded in our minds to find someone we can be with. This is because love is found in the greatest earthly form through humans being with humans. Through family, friends, strangers. Why do teenage girls stress out about their dress size or how their butt looks in those rockin republic jeans? Because it brings acceptance. Everyone wants to be accepted, wanted, loved. Its crazy when you think about it. The reason why anyone does anything on earth will cross paths with love. It may not always be the right way shape or form, but what else is there to do on earth that's meaningful than sharing our lives. Everyone needs love, but many people don't get it.
Recently just watched that movie Precious and tears came to my eyes as I realized how fortunate I am. I can't just sit here while these things happen. When people are being exploited for cheap chocolate and kids are dying for lack of food while countless amounts of food here are being thrown away like it's dirt. What can I do? It driving me insane how immobile and idle I am being, I need to find a way to make a change. God didn't give me an amazing life for no reason. Lives like mine aren't handed out like flyers downtown. I am going to do something. I know I can because I'm lucky, and it's not fair that other people are living lives of brutality just because of fate. I'm going to find a way to do something. I will.

Ps. make a wish.

i wanna wake up in your arms.

i love how comfortable we are with each other
i love how we endlessly make fun of each other
but never take the teasing to heart
i absolutely adore how when i turn away from you
when we're fighting, you try to stay mad, and psst after me after two minutes
i love the look in your eyes when i stare into them
or how you look when we kiss
i love how i can call you anytime i need someone
and how you never fail to make me smile
or laugh
i love how you need me as much as i need you
but most of all, i love how you love me.

there's a story at the bottom of this bottle, and im the pen.

Browsing through my old nexopia blogs, I realize how idle I am sometimes. By idle I mean inactive, sitting around, doing nothing. I know it's still far but I'm nearing the end of my highschool journey and what have I accomplished? I am gladly employed again, though the nostalgia for the bakery wafts up from time to time. I miss the people, the atmosphere, and of course the goods. Life is always changing and moving from one point to another and I remember how I was just a year from now. Just a year ago, I was a party-hungry, let's-get-fucked-up girl, always looking to have a smashing time. I was kinda verging reckless doing stupid things with stupid people. Getting hurt a bazillion more times than necessary, and losing pieces of dignity I had. Gladly enough, Pitt Day woke me up, and the long, solitary summer brought me back to reality. Now, nearing the end of tenth grade I'm a new person. I'm motivated again to be happy, all natural. I realize I hate promises. Maybe it's because most of the time, they get broken, and I hate having the feeling to trust someone. I mean of course I don't hate trust itself, but no one can promise you anything. There's always that possibility of things breaking, falling, disintegrating or whatnot. Situations that I've been in have taught me that people will let you down. I'm not being a hypocrite because I know I myself have disappointed others. There's always that lingering aroma of possible fallibility in everything in life, and I think that is what makes life so wonderful. No one can give you the security of not waking up and feeling different. Sometimes these changes don't happen over night, but over time yes. But people do risk things. People risk things because life and love is a gamble, and becoming broken and mislead is worth wagering for a time of happiness. Without the possibility of everything disappearing, the possibility of anything worthy doesn't exist.

i wont just buy you a rose, i will buy the flower shop.

For once, I don't have anything to complain about.

you're a risk i've decided that i'm going to take

lets do this forever?

le monde et vous?

non, le monde et nous.

like puzzle pieces from the clay

Someone please explain to me why there is a huge hype about the turning of a year? I understand, yes we all made it through another one without fucking up the world and all of humanity didn't swirl to an unbearable end, but all this bs about change and a new start irks me. Do you need a calendar to tell you to change? Why don't you just quit the fucking around, face life like a man (no sexism intended) and change when you want. Change on May 23 or on August 4th, if thats when you notice you started failing in life again. Then again, I am probably contradicting myself when I say this, because I myself have many hopes for this upcoming year. Even if there is not much of a difference on December 31 and January 1st, as in I am the same person, I have my wishes for this new year. Hopefrully, I won't be the same day-dreaming, never acting person that I am. Something's gotta happen this year.

im giving up slowlyy

the birds fly away, snickering among themselves while they fly away.

someone please get me out of here

call the cops i think she's dead

do you think things are meant to be?

"I don't know, in a way it makes you think, oh I don't have to worry, it's all taken care of, it will all work out...but in another way its like, what if your life turns out really lousy, is it supposed to make you feel better that somebody planned that out for you, and there's nothing you can do about it?"

"this is where were supposed to be
sitting by the broken tree
no tragedy no poetry, just staring at the sky"

i still sneak a peak every once in a while at your direction.

Its Saturday, almost the august yet again.Secretly I'm not dreading school;
you kind of just need to make your own fun sometimes.

SEXGOD!

Because pedophile doesn't describe him, neither does hot ass pedophile, of course the words that came to my mind were sexgod... I hate the time of the month. Seriously, God made the female human way to moody and complicated and especially dedicated a time for the month so we can be exponentially moody and complicated, not to mention covered in pimples or whatnot.

Anyways, its that time of year again, school has returned and I haven't had a shift at the bakery in ever. Deep down I'm worried that they have like secretly fired me, which would suck man balls because I thoroughly enjoyed the cash flow. I realize school is less painful this year, ten times more bearable than the previous hell I spent ten months of my life in. Its true that the people you're around affect your happiness, but happiness is a personal decision, that's right outside my window. I can wrap my hot little hands around it and try to hold on to it with my life, but I guess, it's really never that simple. I feel as though I'm finally content with my place. This is where I fit at school, and I have nothing to complain about. It makes me question the reason why I want to switch schools. I feel as though I'm not getting anywhere at this school, and that a new school will change that. Maybe it won't, maybe it will be worse than Carney. Who knows, but in this moment I hold my future. I can make the choice. I can maybe conduct some sort of change. I realize I'm thinking way too much about this, I'll let this year continue and see what happens.

"dont just live life like a routine, because its not"

a little bit of this.

Good morning,

In the past two weeks, my mind has been filled with the tedious rhythmic drones of taking cookies off a tray and placing them in plastic containers. I work for eight dollars and fifty cents an hour so I can maybe spend a couple hundred on makeup and clothes while some of these fellows beside me work so they can eat and pay for rent. Its easy to see education is the easy way out in the long run. I'm doing good in school, and I will forever do good in school because I know what I am capable of, and its more than icing cookies all day. I realize how difficult life is and am on edge about the next few years in the transition to becoming more independent as I near my 'future.' Blanche Mcdonalds tuition is around 15,000 dollars, and I want in. I know cosmetology will not be my sole career path, but for one it is my hobby and passion. I don't know if its worth it though, I mean, I have to spend a lot more time in the bakery if I want to say no to a student loan.
Work means time and things get out of the way, I mean I missed Warped Tour this year. Huge sadgasm, and I feel as though I would have had a really good time if I went. Also at work I've met a lot of new kids. Shit son, really everyone smokes weed now a days. It doesn't bother me in a weird way, but I dislike ciggarettes. I mean everyone at work smells like shit. Quite frankly, its gross. I don't know. Time has been moving pretty fastly slow for me so in the end, I just dgaf.




PS, for that private caller who called me three times at 5 am, sorry for missing your call. I love people who call me at random times in the night because it screws around with my head that someone actually wants to talk to me, even if its some drunk bastard, I mean, you managed to dial my number? Hah, my mind has been an epic fail of a place lately and I think its due to some sleep deprivation and lack of interest in life.

And to conclude another pointless blog entry, I wanna say stop drinking the hatorade and start drinking the bubble tea, because Peter Chao makes my life.

Good night.

movies movies movies.

I spend the majority of my time at the movie theater

and recently, a large amount of seemingly epic movies have been peeking out at me.
I am incredibly stoked for Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland! March 5, 2010 cannot come
any faster. Also, New Moon looks incredible, I know not to have any great expectations for them
but honestly Taylor Lautner seems sufficient entertainment.

Dakota Fanning looks stunning, really excited to see how she plays out !!

I also am quite pumped to see Jennifer's Body. It was scripted by Diablo Cody, the guy (girl actually) who did Juno. Megan Fox plays the demonic cheerleader that eats boys, and Amanda Seyfried is the lame friend who has to kill the demonic female. Any ways, the film sound really stupid but I am intrigued. The contributing factors are mostly because the soundtrack is going to be epic with Panic's new single, All Time Low, Cobra, and even Dashboard Confessional. As well, I did thoroughly enjoy myself watching Juno, so thus I'm hoping to get a kick out of this one.